Thursday, March 12, 2009

my past and my future

There are many people who spend their lives in a state of loneliness, yet there are so many people who will never truly grasp the idea of what true loneliness is. For me, my loneliness became a poison that crippled me for years. I have spent almost every day of my life completely alone.

            Loneliness built up inside of me like a virus, and it got worse everyday until I felt completely drained and like there was nothing else left inside of me. Unlike your normal virus, there as no medication for the loneliness, and it continued to get worse everyday. Really being alone, meant spending everyday of my childhood alone in my room because I didn’t have anybody to spend my time with. I never knew what it was like to go to someone’s house after school, or to go to a sleepover.

            At twelve I found myself spending all hours on line talking to men in their thirties. Soon, I decided I wanted to meet one of them, and I did. I met up with him at the mall with a girl from school. I actually allowed myself to get into his car and he molested me. He probably would have kidnapped me, and no doubt killed me, if the girl I brought with me handed realized  we were no longer in the arcade with her. She came to his truck screaming vulgarities and dragged me out by my hair. However, I was so lonely that I was unable to realize the danger of the situation I was putting myself in. All I wanted was for someone to want me around.

             After this event, my loneliness only further poisoned me. At thirteen I met a man online that was at least nineteen and lost my virginity to him that very day. Although I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I also thought it was cool because an older guy liked me. I continued to be sexually active with him for about a month, until he finally got sick of me and found another venerable little girl. After he left me I found myself in a highly sexual and destructive lifestyle. By the age of seventeen, I had slept with eleven people; all but one would have been considered statutory rape. I never realized until now that most of those men should be in jail. All I was trying to do was to fill the deep void that I felt in my heart, and I thought that I needed a man to do so. However, those men were more toxic than I could possibly ever have imagined.

            There was always an abusive boyfriend around, and he was always a few years older than I was. I would never tell my family about the abuse or the sex because if I did, it meant I would lose the only companion I had. Despite the fact that they were horrid, again it didn’t matter, because I just wanted someone, anyone to care. My loneliness stripped me of my self respect and made me a target got monsters and unbelievable sorrow.

            At fourteen, I began using cutting as a tool to distract myself from life. The physical pain became a mask for the emotional sorrow I felt all the time. My loneliness had began to cause severe depression and I started getting high off both over the counter and prescription drugs such as oxycodone and cough syrup. I’d spend days in bed and refuse to go to school. At sixteen, I attempted to take my life with a series for sleeping aids. All I succeeded in was putting my self in a sort of coma where I slept for 5 days. I couldn’t make myself stay awake, but I didn’t really care. When my family would check on me, I would tell them that I just had a bad migraine and thought I was coming down with the flu. This event showed me that all I needed to do when my loneliness became unbearable was to take the right pills, and I would be able to sleep for a few days.

            When I was awake, I was trying to get high, cutting my arms, having sex, or binge eating. My weight shot up thirty pounds in just a few months. The weight gain only further depressed me and made me feel even lonelier because I felt that people were looking at me like I was a tub of lard. It is easy to look at yourself like you mean nothing to the world when you are alone.

            It took me until recently to realize that even when you have someone in your life, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to be lonely anymore. When I was seventeen I finally found myself in what I thought was a solid relationship and spend two years planning a wedding with him. However, I still felt completely alone in the world. The remainder of my loneliness and my severe depression is what eventually went into the destruction for the relationship. I began to slip again into the darkness when we broke up, I again thought of taking my life but my mom, thankfully unknowingly intervened.  I didn’t allow myself to stay down for long. This time was different; I had something more powerful than loneliness and sorrow. I had finally found faith in Christ.

            Looking back on my old life from the perspective of a Christian, I pray that I never lose the strength that I now have. I am fully aware that faith is what saved my life. I realize that all I needed all along was God. I no longer need a poisonous group of people to fill my void. My life is now full of true friends who share the deep faith I have developed. I have come to realize that I don’t need a man in my life in order to be happy and that my body is my temple and I need to respect it. Sex isn’t required in order to have a relationship with someone, and if they truly care about me, they will respect the way I am living my life now, and will be willing to wait until our relationship is at a point where sex means a great deal to the both of us. I realized recently that at twenty years of age, I have had seventeen partners, and when I think about who they were, each one of them, it never truly meant anything.

            If I had known that finding God was all I needed to do in order to get out of the state I was in, then I would have done it a long time ago. Now, I devote my life to helping people that are in situations similar to the one that I was once in to get out of that lifestyle. I show them where I was and that all it took was faith to get me out it. With God my family, and my friends I know that I will never again feel alone. Truthfully, I also realize that I was never alone; God was always there, I just didn’t know it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

long over due

Well lets see.... Life's been pretty intersting latley. I have found that I am farily frustrated this week, due to circumstances beyond my control. I have found that some people seem to have the inability to let bygones be bygones and to get over the past and move on. which seems really silly to me. Everyone makes mistakes ever day, if we choose to hold that against them, then we learn nothing and in my opinion we aren't being very good Christians. Personally I try to never hold anything against anyone. Its not my job, perhaps i am overly forgiving. makes life difficult because I don't like going where I'm clearly not wanted.
I finally get to start my psychology classes, its about time seeing as to I'm getting my PhD in it. I am looking forward to filling my head with information. I have been single now for a few months, and really enjoying getting to know myself better. I have gone on a few dates, which is nice because it allows me to see whats out there. I have read a lot lately as well, Ive gone through at least 12 books since mid October. I have also been writing a lot, I am currently writing a novel as well as revising an article which i plan to, with the help of a professor, have published.
Christmas was somewhat of a hard one this year, the past three Christmas's I spent with my ex fiance and his family. So naturally it was hard to not have him there. I know that I am still not completely over out split, and still sometimes feel naked without my engagement ring. However, i know that there is a reason God decided to end our relationship. I also know that there is someone out there for me. And I look forward to the day i find him.
I haven't been very active in the church lately. I am currently looking into the Catholic church, as well as returning to the Baptist church community. I am also looking at a few non denominational churches. There is a fairly large church in SE Portland called NEW HOPE which, i have heard good things about. I hope to figure that all out before too terribly long. I definitely miss going to church.

until next time

Friday, September 19, 2008

la de da fra ma

well, my grandma died while I was at the beach, was very upsetting. I wanted to be there for her when she passed away. However, she said that she was glad we were there because we were her connection to the coast in her last moments, and the coast was her favorite place in the world. besides Ireland of course. I miss her very much, but I know that she was ready to go, and she wasn't scared. Shes with God now, and her husband, and her dogs.
After she died I began to design her memorial tattoo. Ive had it for a little over two weeks now and I love it. Im getting ready to start my second year of college. I cant believe Its really already been a year since graduation. So many changes!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

peace

i am currently sitting here looking out the window at a beautiful view of the Oregon coast. The beach has always been my escape. I cant help but feel that this is where I am meant to be. The sound of the surf is the most relaxing sound in the world. I hope to one day live near the beach. There is something about the smell of salt in the air that is so welcoming. If it weren't for my family, I honestly wouldn't feel like I had much of a reason to not just stay here. I love the feeling of the sand in between my toes. I don't think I am meant to be a city girl . I'm a small town girl, whose always had to live in the city because shes had no other choice. The only hard part is that this is the first time in fourteen years, that I have gone to the beach without a dog. I feel so at peace here. Free. Alive.

skye

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

sssschweet

soooooo
I just found out that my girl Krystal, her brother. his wife and their baby girl are all moving back to Portland!!! I am so stoked!!!! I cant wait.
Everything in my life is going exactly how i want it to. Its amazing how much your life can improve when you make just a few changes. I feel so balanced. I don't know where I'm going, but for once I feel secure with the unknown aspects of my life. I'm enjoying each moment with out fretting what will happen in the next. I have the most amazing friends and a really great life.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

life as of now

so my life has been pretty much amazing. I am making so many great positive changes in my life. Ive finally decided that it is about time I actually get my license so I'm signing up for driving classes. With my moms help, i'm learning to cook all kinds of food. I am taking school much more seriously as well.
Ive been hanging out with this new guy, and hes pretty special. Hes smart, hardworking, and funny as hell. Unlike most people in their twenties, hes finished school and has a great career. Hes really supportive of all the changes Ive been working on, and he always motivates me to do whats best for me. Oh and hes gorgeous, and then some. We always have a blast. Its nice just get to know a guy, and not jump into tagging on the girlfriend/boyfriend labels. I look forward to seeing where this goes.

On a sad note, my grandmothers health is deteriorating. She is eighty years old and recently had knee replacement surgery, which I believe she is way to old for. While in rehab she got sick and was taken to the ER where they found a blood clot in her lung. A few days later when they went to check to see if it had moved towards her heart, they found a large tumor in her chest. Shes finally out of the hospital and living with my aunt, whos a nurse. But everyday gets harder for her. She cant swallow her pills anymore, so they will be putting her on an IV and give her morphine. Shes not eating much, and becomes weaker everyday. Shes ready to go, and to be with the love of her life in heaven. So she said no chemo, which at her age, i understand. I just pray that when she goes, its peacefully and that she doesn't feel pain.

anyways, all in all life is amazing. And for once I feel stress free.
so hells ya

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

outchie





well......
so it turns out that my burn is a second degree one. I spent 3 hours in urgent care on Monday night, and I had to go to the doctor today. It is a deep, pussy, red, swollen mess. Turns out I developed a bacterial infection in the skin. I have to keep it wrapped for at least ten days. I have to wash it, apply burn cream and fresh bandages 2 times a day at least. The bandages are gauze pads,with kerlix wrap some tape, and then a knee high with the toes cut off to hold it all up.
I am on vicoden which im taking 2 of every 3 or 4 hours, and anti inflammatory which i have to take 2 times a day, and an antibiotic that i have to take 4 times a day.
It hurts really bad, its hard to walk. My doctor and mother wont let me go to the gym. So im pretty much literally stuck in bed. Luckily Kevans taking me out for my birthday on saturday so ill finally get out of the house. I cant even go to class this week! And let me tell you I am WAY FREAKING EXCITED! He is taking me to the Red Bull Flugtag event on the water front. Then we will probably do something else awesome!!!